Bunkface The Master Bunk Detector

Schmoe Sliden’s Affliction: Tricho-Olfactophilia

A Not-So-In-Depth Shallow Dive Into Why Hair-Smellers Do It

I’ve been observing this (let’s call him Schmoe Sliden) situation more as a scientist in the way a zoologist observes animals in a zoo. In THIS case, the zoo is YouTube and television. There’s video all over the place.

So Schmoe’s been in the news lately for being a little too touchy feely with a few young ladies on camera.

Under more inspection I noticed something. He generally got closer to the young ladies to whisper in their ears or tell them something. Which led me to believe he was getting closer for a reason. This is the common thread. Well, that and the touching; but we’ll get to that at a later date.

It is my non-official not-so-semi-scientific observation that Schmoe Sliden has what I CALL Tricho-Olfactophilia, which would make him a Tricho-Olfactophiliac. This condition seems to be better explained as Tricho-Induced Olfactophiliitis.

Tricho – Greek base having to do with “hair”
Olfacto | Olfactare – Latin for “smell”

Don’t take for granted THIS type of -ITIS.

Ya see, we all can appreciate hair on some level. When the ladies get their hair “DID” or the fellas get a nice shave and a cut, we appreciate it.

But What’s The Next Step?

They put that “Smell-Good” on afterwards. Never underestimate the smell of a good after-shave, conditioner or shampoo. As a matter of fact, even the green or blue hair grease smells good! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Some people just HAVE TO SMELL THE HAIR……even if it’s on camera, I guess.

So what to do about this?

Level One: Only wash your hair dandruff and ear wax AFTER meeting these individuals. Don’t make it so enticing. Depending on the afflicted Tricho-Olfactophiliac, the urges may be stronger or weaker. So these tactics may only work for the less afflicted individual. In SOME cases, it MAY make more sense to wash your hair AFTER the event.

Level Two: You say, “Excuse me, you Tricho-Olfactophiliac, could you please not smell my hair.” This lets them know you are aware of who and what they are. AGAIN, depending on the severity of the case; like if your husband or father is standing there and they do it on camera, it MIGHT be a bad case.

Level Three: If you want to be kinda cute and send a message, you may have to send slightly physical messages. Like if they lean in to your face, just grab their nose between the curled index and middle fingers and squeeze a little harder than just “cute” level. It’s sneaky, but they REALLY might think they’re being sneaky.

If their nose is gross, position the back of your hand to your mouth and form it as though you’re about to thump something. It sends a message without being very aggressive. We’re not there yet. I know we have to endure a lot, but understand, you’re on national tv and you don’t want to seem like the less rational, ANGRY one, regardless of how dire this other person’s disease is.

A NORMAL response should be a huge semi-uncomfortable laugh/smile where the patient may say something witty like, “WOO FEISTY! I LIKE IT! She’s gonna be ALRIGHT! Trained her WELL!” This SHOULD deal with the issue.

Level Four: Most men I know of don’t want to hit women. I don’t know what you may have heard, but for most men I know it would take fear of death or almost death before they would consider it. If these poor individuals are on that verge of over-the-top-ness, you may have to make a subtle, but quick elbow or hand move and motion to move away from them. If dad or mom is there, they won’t let you go…unless he’s in the middle of receiving an honor and can’t quite get to ya.

Otherwise, we might be dealing with a Secret Service type situation. And that’s okay, because THEY probably know! It’s kinda like knowing which acquaintances, friends or family are a LITTLE touchy feely. It MIGHT BE YOU!

A word to the Tricho-Olfactofiliacs out there; Just keep in mind, people see more than you might think and Tricho-Olfactophilia isn’t as popular a disease and many may not take too kindly to your inability to resist the smell of hair products…ON HAIR…of their young daughters or wives.

You can kinda understand, right?

So be careful out there. With a little self-control, self-awareness and detection and deflection skills, we can all get a little better and someday Be Best!

Bunk Master